I am writing this as a recovered perfectionist. I’m almost tempted to leave a typo to prove it but that would be going too far. This article looks at the dangers of perfectionism, its possible causes and 6 tips to help you let go of perfectionism – so you can relax more into work and life and (perhaps counter-intuitively) even enhance performance.
A quick personal story
Decades ago, as a junior government lawyer, I was working on a public safety Bill. Before introducing it into Parliament, it was my job to read through the Bill to check it all hung together. I wanted that Bill to be perfect. So instead of just spending a couple of hours checking it through, I spent all night painstakingly cross-referencing and searching for typos and minute drafting improvements and came up with a giant list of changes to be made.
Let’s take a realistic look at what this episode of perfectionism actually achieved:
– It created extra last-minute work for the team, making only marginal improvements.
– It kept me up all night.
– Colleagues probably became a bit wary (and weary) of my unrealistically high standards.
– I had my head in the weeds, detracting from the sense of joy and achievement in working on a law significantly improving public safety.
– And did it make the Bill perfect? Of course not. It may have made it slightly better, but a piece of work, art or performance is rarely if ever perfect. So, unsurprisingly, I missed my impossible target, despite busting my gut.
The Downsides of Perfectionism
We often kid ourselves that perfectionism is a secret strength. It’s not. The experience from my early career demonstrates the pitfalls of perfectionism:
– It can diminish our enjoyment of work and life by eating up time and energy (without proportionate returns in performance).
– It is fed by fears of judgment and inadequacy, and can create stress and burnout.
– Perfectionists put pressure on themselves to meet unattainable standards, associating their self-worth with attaining these standards, and then beat themselves up when anything falls short.
– Perfectionists’ fear of failure can lead to procrastination or staying in their comfort zone because they’d rather not do something at all if it can’t be done perfectly.
– Perfectionists can upset their colleagues and loved ones by setting unrealistic expectations for others as well as themselves.
Links with Low Confidence or Self-Esteem
What causes perfectionism? Often it is a reaction to early experiences, in which gaining the attention we all want as children, became associated with achievement.
We might have had well-intentioned but demanding parents, putting a higher value on achievement than on effort or curiosity. Sometimes if a child’s caregivers are preoccupied (with work or siblings for example), that child will strive to over-achieve in order to gain some recognition and attention for themselves. Other authority figures, like teachers, can also instill messages that our self-worth and receipt of praise and attention are dependent on good grades and high achievement.
Acceptance or approval can start to feel conditional on meeting those high expectations; with the feeling that we are undeserving of love or acceptance if we don’t achieve perfection.
Long after the early authority figures have ceased to be so central in our lives, the internal critique remains, and we still feel compelled to self-impose punishingly high standards, with not much room for self-compassion.
6 Tips to Ditch Perfectionism
1. Acknowledge it's good to let it go
Perfectionists are often reluctant to ditch the habit because it doesn’t seem possible to (a) feel good about themselves or (b) maintain high standards if they relinquish striving for perfection. So the first step is to acknowledge that the cost/benefit analysis of perfectionism does not fall in its favour.
It sucks the joy and satisfaction from your achievements: you berate yourself and feel like a failure for not meeting your own unrealistic expectations. Your time management is likely to be poor. And you’re probably not endearing yourself to the people around you with those crippling standards and long hours.
2. Aim for excellence, not perfection
Ditching perfectionism doesn’t mean you have to be a sloven. The highest possible standard in most human endeavours is excellence, not perfection. So go for that – where the task warrants it. Sometimes the task only warrants a standard of “good enough”. And some tasks only warrant a “who cares”. We only have so much time and energy, so focus your resources where they are most useful.
The best approach is to adopt an appropriate standard for the task at hand – with excellence, not perfection, being the highest you ever shoot for.
3. Make changes in baby steps
One of the best ways to make progress in any sphere is in increments. You can make yourself comfortable with imperfection by taking baby steps. Taking small, deliberate actions to lower your standards in minor ways, will help you get comfortable with adopting appropriate, rather than perfect, standards.
So, if you normally spend 5 hours preparing for a presentation, allow yourself only 3 and see what’s the worst that happens. Maybe you can spend the extra 2 hours with your friends or walking in nature. Here are a few other ideas you can try:
– Leave typos uncorrected in your personal texts.
– If there’s an awkward silence during a conversation, don’t leap to fill it.
– If you usually check a piece of work 3 times, only check it once.
– Cross 3 things off your to-do list without doing them.
4. The big picture
Take a step back and have a look at how much time you’re pouring into a piece of work and how much, after a certain point, you are actually improving it. The law of diminishing returns means that endless tinkering at the end of a project is going to produce only a marginal improvement compared to what it costs you – in wellbeing, opportunity costs and relationships.
Remember my fruitless quest for perfection on that Bill? That Bill would still have created its significant public policy benefits without my joy-crushing nighttime nitpicking. Keep the big picture in mind.
5. Does anyone actually want you to be perfect?
It can be helpful to question your beliefs about needing to please people or make pieces of work perfect. Will you really be rejected for not being perfect? Do people care as much as you think?
Often, we are placing far more pressure on ourselves than others would. And sometimes we’re striving for a standard that clients or managers don’t even want. “Done is better than perfect” is a good maxim to live by. People commissioning jobs tend to want them done to a good standard, on time, with goodwill on all sides. Who’s really demanding perfection? Colleagues like dealing with people who are real, genuine and flawed. Perfectionism can be off-putting.
6. Focus on the positives
Wanting everything to be perfect means that we tend to fixate on the negative parts of our work and ourselves. A useful discipline is to make a conscious effort to focus on the good stuff. Again, adopt the baby steps strategy: for every one thing you’re unsatisfied with, identify three things that you value and appreciate about your work or yourself.
Praising yourself and your work is a fantastic way to grow your self-worth (divorced from perfection). It will also help you connect to the joy and meaning in your work, which is a much healthier, happier place to focus than in the bog of unnecessary detail.
Still Struggling?
Sometimes perfectionism and low self-confidence are deeply ingrained and can cause anxiety, exhaustion and other wellbeing issues. RTT Hypnotherapy is a fast and effective way to get to the bottom of why you’re on a relentless quest for perfection and then make the shift to enjoying the bigger picture and the joys of adopting appropriate standards (of excellence, good enough or who cares).
I’ve helped many clients ditch perfectionism and embrace healthy self-confidence and self-esteem. Do get in touch for a free consultation. I’d love to help.